Thinking of my baby girl.

Just over 5 years ago, my twin daughters were born. 14 weeks early. After a long, weary fight, Stella made it home, and Mya went to a home of another sort... she passed away at 6 months of age. I miss her every day, but some days the memories are further removed. I guess that's the brain's way of keeping sane. The craziness of everyday life prevents me from falling to pieces at the memory of losing her, and yet on other days, the grief washes over me so fiercely it takes my breath away. Like a sucker punch to the gut. 

It's strange to think what might have been, who that beautiful little baby girl might have become, but it's also strange to think of what HAS become, because of losing her. For example, if Mya had not passed away, I would not have given birth to Ty, my youngest child, who brings us more joy than I can even explain, with his wild hair, deep pit-like dimples, huge grin, and soulful eyes. It's a weird sort of paradox... I wouldn't give Ty up for anything, yet I would give anything to have Mya back. I often wonder where our lives would be had she not passed. I wonder if I would have taken more for granted. 

I long for the closeness that she and Stella would have shared, yet somehow, they DO still share a piece of it. Stella talks to her sister daily, as plainly as if she were standing next to her, she wonders aloud if Mya can see the 4th of July fireworks better than us, because she lives up in the sky. She asks God to please take good care of her sister, and she tears up with sadness at photos of her sister. She has an emptiness in her little heart that she feels, but can't put into words. When I look at Stella, I know I'm so very lucky to have her, and her special, beautiful, sensitive little heart. She provides a constant reminder of her sister, and at the same time, she is constantly healing the wound that was left. I love to remember my baby, even if it hurts to do it. Sometimes I NEED the memories that leave me sobbing in a pile on the floor, and sometimes I NEED the memories that bring tearful smiles, or all out laughter, even the ones that bring regret, and guilt. It brings her to life, and that's so beautiful.