One more day....

I am currently a source of very mixed emotions. Tomorrow the summer officially ends here in Arizona (a bit earlier than elsewhere) and my kids go back to school. This is a welcome change of pace for my older boys. The summer here does not allow for the wild, action-packed energy release of my childhood summers. The heat is so unholy, that any sort of outdoor activity, aside from running through the sprinklers at 6am, is utterly out of the question. Days are spent indoors reading, cooking with mom, building Lego and Playmobil cities, hitting up thrift stores, watching old Godzilla movies, terrorizing the playroom, and playing video games. Every once in awhile, we receive the glorious gift of an overcast sky, and the temperature holds at double, not triple digits, but for the most part, our summers are spent either indoors, or out of the state. So, school will actually fulfill their longing to get out of the house. Reintroduce them to their friends, and stimulate those little brains. It also means we are one month closer to cooler weather.

For my daughter, however, tomorrow marks a milestone. One that fills me with many emotions. Tomorrow, is (drumroll please) her first day of kindergarten. We started her a year late, because though she is smart as a whip, she is incredibly tiny, having come to us with her twin sister, nearly 15 weeks premature. I remember watching her, in the NICU, tiny and struggling for life, and my only prayer, was that she would make it home, and live to grow into a beautiful, healthy little girl. I am eternally thankful that at least one of our precious daughters made it home, and when I think of all the obstacles she faced, I am simply overcome with how beautifully perfect she is. How wise, sensitive, intelligent, fierce, and intuitive. I just didn't know she would grow up so very fast. I told her yesterday, "I'm not ready for you to start school..." and she looked at me with a determination I didn't expect, and said haughtily "Well, I AM ready to start school!!" We've been protecting her for so very long, that the idea of her going off into the actual world, without her mommy and daddy and band of hovering brothers around, is well, somewhat intimidating to me. I know SHE is ready, as she so emphatically let me know, but I am not quite there yet. I have, it seems, one day to get there. I look over at my youngest, Ty, my last little person to spend his days home with mommy, and feel a pang. He is 4, and his time will come soon too, but right now, we will cherish our days together. I have thought seriously about homeschooling, and I am constantly amazed by the mom's who can pull this off, but it seems I do not posses this grace. I am slightly impatient by nature, and sometimes more restless than my toddler. I need my quiet, and time to be me, so that I can be the best for them. Knowing my nature, I just don't think it's the best choice for our family, but as days like tomorrow approach, I find myself wishing I had what it takes to keep them home with me, say, forever??

I took this picture, I believe, in the early spring of 2008. It's one of my most beloved photos of Stella. I had wanted to take her out for some fun pictures, but she was in a very pensive, somewhat sad sort of mood. I finally just resigned myself to the fact that photos weren't going to happen that day, and we walked through the grass, back to our car, I turned to take her hand, and saw the most stunning picture of childhood. I snapped this one photo, slightly out of focus, and carelessly framed, yet in my eyes it's perfection. Her journey through life reflected in the winding path behind her, but her back is to it, and her childish beauty is so fully embraced, and apparent...